Tonight was another overly emotional night. I have one every three days when I have to change my insulin pump. Tonight was another breaking point. The words came out of my mouth that have been in my mind for 1 year and 4 months. "God, why did you give this to me? WHY??" The feelings of utter dread and fainting courage come over me all at once. The tears flow. The anger rises. I realize there's absolutely nothing I can do about this. My only option is to accept it and somehow muster the courage to brave the fight. The thought of looking for something positive in this battle makes me angry. OF COURSE I'm thankful it's not any worse. I don't have cancer. I'm not terminally ill. I only have diabetes. But even just writing it causes deep emotion to well up inside of me like a huge wave that has nowhere to go. Tears fill my eyes, again. This situation is out of my control. There's nothing I can do to stop it. I must surrender it to God. It's been a grieving process. It seems I've lost a lot. It often feels as if no one understands what the process has been like. No one is there when I'm alone in the bathroom trying to stick a needle into my skin. It hurts, it stings, it bleeds, and sometimes it doesn't even work correctly and I have to redo it. God, did you forget how much I hate needles? Did you not know that I have such a weak stomach that just the sight of blood makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. It's not funny. It's not a joke. Don't laugh at me. It would not be funny if it were you. If you laugh, you have obviously forgotten what it feels like to lose the normal life you once knew.
It's hard when no one is there with you in your suffering.
Of course God is there for me. And of course, He's all I need. But that doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't take away the frustration and the anger.
I'm trying to find meaning in this struggle. I'm not asking you for it. You have your own opinion and it won't help me. I just need God's opinion. I'll go through the pain with greater ease if He can just give me a purpose for it.
My trust is in Him alone. My heart rests in Him alone. No words of man or positive feedback from well meaning persons of wisdom will suffice for the word I need to hear from God. He knows how to talk to me, even if it's just one word. He knows how to bring peace to my heart. I know He's working in this. I hear Him tell me "My daughter, this world is not your home. You're only passing through."
God, help me to remember eternity when I have to do this all over again in 3 days.
Job 42:2 "I know that You can do everything. And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from you."
